Kay B. from Nova Scotia, Canada
Question:
Knowing that there is a looming zombie apocalypse, what is the best way to protect yourself from the ravenous hordes of the undead?
Answer:
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and the solution is quite simple- become a backpacker. Or at least get to know one. And here’s why:
Top ten reasons to have a backpacker with you for the zombie apocalypse
1. We know how to carry heavy loads full of supplies.
Not so useful to be an ultralight here.
2. We will help you get away from the city.
Crowded areas are the most dangerous.
3. We crave the taste of ramein but not man-flesh.
Which is to say, backpackers are not zombies.
4. We routinely hike with blunt objects (trekking poles), which can be useful for self defense.
Bet you didn’t know they were so multi-functional.
5. We stick together.
Backpackers are good people.
6. We provide b.o. camouflage.
Sometimes, judging by scent alone, it can be very difficult to distinguish between a backpacker who has been in the woods a long time and the reanimated corpse of a partially decomposing zombie. I’m just saying.
7. We can climb tall mountains.
Zombies, not such good climbers.
8. We know how to rough it.
Who else can eat beef jerky for days without becoming sick or constipated?
9. We will keep you entertained.
There’s always a good story around the fire.
And finally:
10. If you are going to be consumed by the roving masses of the relentless undead, why not die doing something you love?
Backpackers will get you out into nature for some lovely last moments. And, because everything tastes great in the woods, your last meal will be pretty darn good, too.
The zombies are coming already. Be prepared!
Also, zombie Johnny Bravo is pretty terrifying. And stylish.
