Jared M. from Baltimore, MD

Question:

After seeing all of your cartoons, I can’t help wondering, did you attend art school? Are there any showings of your pictures around the country? Why have I not seen your work before?

Answer:

I can understand your confusion. Many people who see my work wonder the same thing. For example, this is a picture of a crocodile wearing a space helmet.

Crocodiles in space

I know what you are thinking, and, yes, it is brilliant.

How is that helmet useful to the crocodile? you might ask. How does it deliver any oxygen to it’s lungs?

And will I tell you that, if you have to ask, you will never understand.

Incidentally, I do have a sister who studied art in school. Hi Audrey! Unfortunately, she can’t drop what she’s doing every time her big sister needs a picture that demonstrates the similarities between birds and dinosaurs (and this sort of thing happens a lot), because she is too busy making actual art.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that you’re stuck with me. And yes, I did just draw a picture of a crocodile wearing a top hat. Try not to get overly excited. It’s bad for your cardiovascular system.

Johanna T. from Ogden, UT

Question:

Wait a minute, do you just make these reader questions up?

Answer:

Yes.

I think of ridiculous questions and then write ridiculous answers.

Follow up question:

So does that mean that you are now asking yourself a question about whether or not you are asking yourself a question and then responding?

Answer:

As it turns out, I am pretty good company for myself.

The end.

Vanessa A. from Panama City, FL

Question:

You are obsessing about ounces for your backpacking trip, even grams on some things. Why are you still bringing your giant, heavy camera?

Answer:

I was hoping you wouldn’t ask that question. The answer is a little awkward, and now I feel embarrassed for both of us.

My camera falls into the “dessert stomach” category. You know how you eat a big meal and say, “I am so full I couldn’t eat another bite.” Until someone brings out the dessert and suddenly a new compartment in your stomach opens up, and you have room. Dessert stomach is a beautiful and mysterious phenomena.

The same principle applies to my camera. I might obsess over my pack weight and say, “I will not carry another ounce.” But then I see my camera and suddenly I’m willing to carry the extra weight. He ain’t heavy, he’s my camera.

Besides, taking pictures is one of my favorite things to do. It’s in the top five:

1. Be with friends
2. Write
3. Backpack
4. Take pictures
5. Eat cake.

I will always have space for cameras and cake.

Allison F. from Houston, Texas

Question:

You live in Portland, Oregon, land of organic vegetables and locally produced foods. Are you pretty healthy?

Answer

On one day this week I ate only bacon and pudding. That’s it. For the entire day. The next day was mostly hot dogs, and a poptart, I think. It was a strawberry poptart, so I got my serving of fruit there.

My answer to the am I healthy question would have to come down soundly as a no.

But it’s bacon! Bacon is wonderful. Whole wars have been fought over bacon, that’s what the Crusades were about.

Muslims: Bacon is bad!

Christians: We love bacon!

And 200 years of war ensued. Admittedly, the Christians were taking the bacon a little too seriously. You have to draw the line somewhere people.

Reader: I don’t remember reading about that in history class.

Addy: Perhaps you should check again. Bacon has even influenced art and the development of the scientific method. More recently, it has been solely responsible for the success of actor Kevin Bacon.

The veggie eaters are out to get me

I don’t always eat this badly. My roommates cook house meals full of vegetables, so I get a little kale and onions wedged in my diet. And my friend Nate somehow adds spinach to the meals we eat together without me noticing. In short, people are sneaking healthy things into my diet.

When I buy meat, I try to make sure that the animal was treated well (no hormones, free range) up until that whole killing it part. I’m trying to cut back. I may not have picked up healthy habits in Portland, but I have gained some of the guilt. Although sometimes, and I hate to say it, guilt does make things delicious.

Cue the music: “If loving you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.”

Backpacking hasn’t helped. I eat such bad for you food on the trail, that the habits are hard to break when I get back into town. When I got off the trail in small towns with tiny grocery stores, I had a good excuse for not eating fresh and wholesome foods. They weren’t available. But now I live 3 blocks away from an organic produce market and Trader Joe’s, and I have no excuse.

If you have read this far, and for your sake I hope that you have moved on, thank you for listening to my little confession. I just ate three bites of salad as penance. Bacon later.

Kay B. from Nova Scotia, Canada

Question:

Knowing that there is a looming zombie apocalypse, what is the best way to protect yourself from the ravenous hordes of the undead?

Answer:

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and the solution is quite simple- become a backpacker. Or at least get to know one. And here’s why:

Top ten reasons to have a backpacker with you for the zombie apocalypse

1. We know how to carry heavy loads full of supplies.

Not so useful to be an ultralight here.

2. We will help you get away from the city.

Crowded areas are the most dangerous.

3. We crave the taste of ramein but not man-flesh.

Which is to say, backpackers are not zombies.

4. We routinely hike with blunt objects (trekking poles), which can be useful for self defense.

Bet you didn’t know they were so multi-functional.

5. We stick together.

Backpackers are good people.

6. We provide b.o. camouflage.

Sometimes, judging by scent alone, it can be very difficult to distinguish between a backpacker who has been in the woods a long time and the reanimated corpse of a partially decomposing zombie. I’m just saying.

7. We can climb tall mountains.

Zombies, not such good climbers.

8. We know how to rough it.

Who else can eat beef jerky for days without becoming sick or constipated?

9. We will keep you entertained.

There’s always a good story around the fire.

And finally:

10. If you are going to be consumed by the roving masses of the relentless undead, why not die doing something you love?

Backpackers will get you out into nature for some lovely last moments. And, because everything tastes great in the woods, your last meal will be pretty darn good, too.

The zombies are coming already. Be prepared!

Also, zombie Johnny Bravo is pretty terrifying. And stylish.

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Yvonne B. from Oklahoma City, OK

This is the remains of the cake I ate all by myself after a stair climbing session. It's beautiful, no?

Question:

You are on a pretty steady diet of cake and burgers. How are you not diabetic or 300 lbs?

Answer:

It’s simple. I am on the “carry heavy things around” exercise regimen. That name is copyrighted. I have also thought about calling it the “Sisyphus workout plan.”

Suzy W. from Portland, OR

My uniform- pretty snazy, no?

Question:

You’ve been seen parading around town in a uniform with black boots, have you finally gone off the deep end and formed your own militant cult?

Answer:

Well, we all know that your momma wears combat boots, but, as it turns out, so do I.

I’ve enrolled in a fire protection class at Portland Community College to see if being a firefighter would be a good fit for me. As part of that program, we all have to wear a uniform and black boots. I can’t say for sure if this is the career for me, but it is exciting to be able to bang things with a mallet, drag a metal sled behind me, learn emergency medicine, and interview career firefighters.

If this doesn’t work, I will still have my combat boots, so I will take your militaristic cult idea under advisement.

Eliza V. from Burlington, VT

Question:

You have recently been organizing a lot of all-women events. Have you joined a convent or are you now unable to relate to members of the opposite sex?

Answer:

Yes. Wait, no, to both options.

Actually, some of my best friends are male, and every week we watch another bad Patrick Swayze movie together. (I recommend drinking a little before watching Red Dawn, it makes the experience more fun.)

At the same time, I have lately been craving the communion I feel with a group of women in the outdoors. Many of us were not exposed to backpacking growing up, and it is fun to practice these skills together. Learning to take care of myself in the woods has been a really empowering experience for me, and I want to share that with others. To that end, I have formed the Portland Women’s Outdoor Club (although I wouldn’t mind a catchier name). We will be starting our adventures in January, and, if you live in Oregon, I hope you will join us!

Wynn B. from Jackson, MS

Question:

I heard that you have been sleeping in a tent in your friend’s backyard. Have you lost the ability to live in normal society?

Answer:

Yes. Thanks for bringing it up.

Actually, for the past month I have been what I call “creatively homeless.” I have been staying with friends while I waited for the lease to my apartment to begin. I started staying in the tent because I missed being outside and, as I don’t have a car, I can’t get out into the woods as much as I’d like. It’s good because by living in Amy’s backyard, I’ve gotten to live simply but still be around my friends. The downside is that, despite the fact that I am living in a tent, I can’t fully pretend that I’m on the trail because people still care what I smell like. Bummer.

Yvonne C from Oklahoma City, OK

Question:

I heard that you came back to Portland with a faux hawk and that you now wear a bandanna at all times. How is it, that after 3 months in the woods, you are now more of a hipster than a mountain woman?

Answer:

Excuse me. I will answer you as soon as I finish drinking this PBR and judging you.